Collective intelligence, in the beginning, did not simply come to be. Although we generally accept the concepts that we learn, such as math and chemistry in school, to be true, they were not always viewed in that light. Before some guy invented numbers and some rules, and before some other guy thought up the periodic table, this potential for knowledge and growth was ineffectual and disregarded by society. This idea is inherently supported in the arguments that the authors make: although Davidson argues the importance of education on an even playing field with no experts, her iPod experiment would not have taken place had she not come forward with the idea. Furthermore, the row of brightly colored shops in Johnson’s description of Manchester had to have had a single shop begin the imitative chain. Despite these authors’ intentional arguments, the idea that leaders are integral to any type of group progression is inherently supported. In both of these cases, creative, individual efforts were necessary in order to bring these concepts to the forefront and incite their spread.
Original Paragraph:
Collective intelligence, in the beginning, did not simply come to be. Although we generally accept the concepts that we learn in school, such as math and chemistry, to be true, they were not always viewed in that light. Before Aryabhat developed the number system centuries ago, and before Mendeleev created the concept of the periodic table, this knowledge and growth simply did not exist, and therefore the potential to progress as a society was by default disregarded. This idea that individualism was the mastermind behind present day collective intelligence is inherently supported in the presentation of the authors' arguments: although Davidson argues the importance of education on an even playing field with no experts, her iPod experiment would not have taken place had she not come forward with the idea in the first place. Furthermore, the row of brightly colored shops in Johnson's description of Manchester had to have had a single shop begin the imitative chain. Despite these authors intentional arguments, the idea that leaders are integral to any type of group progression is inherently supported. In both cases, creative, individual efforts were necessary in order to bring these concepts to the forefront and incite their spread. However, individualism in the context of the past, and individualism in the context of now are slightly different.
I appreciated my reviewer's honesty--she told me exactly which parts left her confused and which parts did not contribute to my thesis--and many times I found myself agreeing with her. I took these comments into consideration when revising my first body paragraph, and made sure each point I made in the paragraph was clear and stated outright. I tried to get my point across more concisely while also paying attention to detail and evidence. This works to support my thesis because a strong first body paragraph is what should provide the foundation to the main focus--without a clear paragraph, the reader ends up getting lost and the ultimate thesis is not grasped.
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